Blue Moon

Actually Published on MARCH 1, 2012


Throughout ones study of Reiki, you receive attunements, known as Reiju, that re-align you with source energy. This alignment allows Reiki energy to flow freely through your body, thereby allowing the practitioner to channel that energy to either another person, a part of the world, or a different place in time, etc. Reiju can be an intensely spiritual experience, it can be simple and gentle, and it can feel like nothing at all. Each time one receives Reiju, it can be vastly different, and usually is. 


My first Reiju was beautiful. I felt peaceful, and my hands, which had been in prayer pose, began to spread apart, seemingly filling up with Reiki energy. I could not keep them together, as they seemed to lovingly repel one another, repeatedly filling up the space between them with the flowing energy. My finger tips remained in contact with their opposite counterpart, but my palms acted as if a slowly inflating balloon was lodged between them. I was overjoyed by the immediacy of the feeling, and couldn’t believe how easily it flowed. 


Another Reiju brought more attention to my hands, making them feel so unbelievably large, large enough in fact to cradle the whole world, steeping it in Reiki energy. My eyes were closed, as they always are during Reiju, though I was positive that if I had opened them, my hands would surely have looked as if they belonged to a giantess; a giantess with good intentions, but a giantess nonetheless less. 


Other times have brought intense colors swirling before my minds eye, and others, the presence of a lost loved one. I have never been on the receiving end of two Reijus that were even remotely alike. 


The final day of my Reiki II training included one last Reiju, which I was looking forward to. We had spent the weekend learning about the Reiki symbols, which among other things, represent the union of you and divine energy, and so the idea of God was on my mind. I have always believed in God, though not in the religious sense of the word. The bearded figure in the sky has come to mean a lot to me, and not once have I doubted my connection to the creator. I have questioned who created the creator, but never the existence of a universal life force energy that ties us all together. I have felt like we have a good, close relationship, and that I can always count on whom I’ve come to know as Father Sky. 


So I was surprised, and dismayed about the feelings I had during my final Reiju of the weekend. As it began, I was overcome by a deep sense of abandonment, and the abandoner was God. I became aware of sitting, crossed legged, across from God, asking “him” to hold my hands. Somehow, our hands would not hold one another. No matter how we tried to arrange our fingers and palms, the action of handholding was impossible. 


Next I became aware that we were walking, side-by-side, next to the ocean, the waves gently lapping at our feet. I could see our footprints in the wet sand. 


I asked God to carry me, and though I wanted to be carried with all my heart, it was impossible, just as the handholding had been. No matter how “he” tried to hold me, it would not work; I could not be carried by God. It just wouldn’t work. I cannot describe why, or how it would not work, it just wouldn’t. 


I felt abandoned, left behind, to find my way, though I was still keenly aware of God’s presence. I don’t know how I felt abandoned and yet still felt “his” presence at the same time. My rational mind could not, and still cannot, make sense of those two opposites inhabiting me at the same time. 


I finished Reiki II with a heavy cloud over me. Normally I’m the first to raise my hand in Reiki, always ready to share my experiences, but this time, I passed. I was sad, and wanted to feel it, rather than vocalize it. 


I road the subway home, and found solace in the song Cosmic Love, by Florence + The Machine. The lyrics, seemingly written for me, ignited a fire that all at once, begged to be extinguished and yet fought hard to flourish. It burned up the oxygen inside me, giving me no choice but to continuously feed the flames with the air that shallowly filled my lungs. 


I went home to be alone. To stew in my sadness and to feel abandoned. It was painful. The old me would have run away from those newly discovered feelings. I would have ignored them, pushing them down so deep that no one would have been able to recover them for decades. But the new me, the Reiki me, sat in it and acknowledged it, wanting to know what abandonment felt like.


Determined to work through the sadness, I unrolled my yoga mat, turned on some soothing music, and turned off all the lights. I lit one candle, and then laid down to do some self-healing with Reiki. I ran through the protocol that I knew at the time, and tried to accept my newfound feelings. 


Once I finished, I sat up, keeping my eyes closed. I started asking God, “Where are you?”, and kept getting the quiet answer, “i’m here”. My voice shouted in my head, while the answer came quietly from my soul. “i’m here. i have always been here.” 


I CAN’T SEE YOU! 


i’m here 


WHERE ARE YOU? 


i’m here 


I NEED IT BIG! 


i’m here 


I NEED IT BIGGER! 


I’m here, inside you. 


I NEED TO SEE YOU! 


just look. i’m here. i’ve always been here. 


I NEED TO SEE YOU BIG AND BOOMING ON THE WALL, RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME! 


i’m here 


Each time, God remained as quiet as before. The shouting was mine, and mine alone. But God’s answer never changed. It was my humanness that needed some big, booming voice to come over the loud speaker of my life, shouting, “HERE I AM KATE!”, all the while appearing on my living room wall for me to see, plain as day. 


I sat, eyes still closed, for another moment, allowing my mind to settle. 


As I opened my eyes, I turned and stood up, facing the wall in my living room. A giant smile erupted on my face, and I burst out laughing. 


On the wall was a large circle of blue light, a moon if you will. The shape of a head and shoulders casting its shadow on the moon, plain as day. There God was, big and booming on the wall. All the while, inside of me, my own body casting the shadow. 


Tears of immense joy mingled with laughter. I turned around to find the source of the light, and found the only thing I had left on before beginning my self-care. My iPod speakers, projecting their bright Indigo light onto the wall, were responsible for my blue moon. 


I turned back around, smiling. 


there i am, just where i said i was