Pebbles

The path to enlightenment is riddled with obstacles, which I guess makes sense — though it also hardly makes any sense at all. If the point of this grand experiment called life is to reach enlightenment, couldn’t it, or shouldn’t it, have been a bit easier to attain? Something like a quiet stroll along the beach, or a bird song-filled walk through the woods?

It’s thoroughly exhausting. This is no stroll, and it’s definitely not quiet. It’s noisy and messy, amusing and terrifying, and I constantly question why I bothered to turn down this path at all. I keep assuming that things will get better, that somehow things will begin to make sense. And therein lies my problem I guess. The truth is, that while one tiny “thing” might come into focus, that clarity causes 27 other “things” to shoot up and out of nowhere. It’s staggering to think about how crowded all those “things” must be, just hanging out in my psyche, waiting for their moment in the sun — their moment to shine so bright, that I’m blinded by their shear volume and unease.

Luckily my path has been beautifully littered with a wealth of information. Louise Hay gave me a gentle nudge a few years back — You Can Heal Your Life broke it all open for me. And since then I’ve had the pleasure to walk with Wayne, Deepak, Cheryl, Greg and dozens of others down this road. But I’m getting tired. I feel like I’ve been walking for years, and yet I’m still standing in the same place. And that same place is Me.

I’ve become more knowledgeable, no doubt, but, somehow, seemingly no smarter. And while the gradual increase of information has been amazing, it’s also been rather amusing. Allow me to explain.

No one religion works for me — or should I say, no one religion in its current widely accepted incarnation rings true for me. There are bits and pieces that seem to make sense, but as a whole, nothing feels right. So I’ve spent my time learning about all the different paths to spirit, some more direct than others. I’ve fully adopted the Law of Attraction into my life (though I’m not always aces at putting it to good use), and I do honestly believe that it holds to key to making this whole nutty thing come together. But the LoA lacks a sense of unity — it doesn’t give me that connection to the higher spirit that I crave. So I turn to nature, which definitely does.

An interest in nature as somewhat of a religion almost immediately leads you to the Native American spirit and way of life. Interestingly enough I’ve always been fascinated by their culture, and after much work, feel strongly that I was, quite recently, a Native American in a past life. My name was Puppy, which I guess I should take as a sign that, sigh, I have a lot to learn.

In my recent readings, I’m learning more about the good and bad power animals, and the signs they bring you if you’re willing to look, and listen. I’m fascinated by all this information, and while it feels true to my soul, I also have to question the “ bad” or “evil” side to their way of life. It doesn’t jive with my idea that all things are neither good or bad according to spirit, everything just is. Whatever the experience, it’s simply an experience. As humans, we put a negative or positive spin on it, but God (if you will), could care less. Spirit loves us no matter what, we are a part of God and God is a part of us. There is no separation, we are all one in the same — just energy vibrating at more dense levels in one area over another.

Sorry, I’ve strayed far away from what was supposed to be the amusing part. Let me make a quicker leap for you.

I’m currently reading Spirits of the Earth by Bobby Lake-Thom, which is a “guide to Native American nature, symbols, stories and ceremonies”. It’s where the evil and bad power animals info is coming from. So last night I’m reading through the chapter about different birds, and their good and bad meanings, and I come along to the goose. The goose is considered a good omen or sign. “They… serve as reminders that we need to get our life in order, become more organized, and be more cooperative.” Well that sounds exhausting, good yes, but exhausting. So much so, that I dog-eared that page and went to sleep.

And in the morning I awoke to the pain of a tiny needle sticking into the back of my neck. Okay, not a needle, a down feather from my pillow, but it might as well have been a needle for all the pain it was causing. So I yanked it out of my pillow and stared at it. “Ah, a goose feather” I thought, with a smile, as I was proud of myself for thinking in the Native American way about how this animal could be trying to send me a message. And then I remembered that the message was that I needed to get my shit together. Thanks Mr. Goose, I had no idea.

Then, of course, my human mind took off at the speed of light. And here’s where it gets funny.

At least to me.

So I need to get my shit together. Okay, yeah I know that already. I’m trying, trying really freaking hard. But I’m tired. But okay wait, just think a bit more on this. So metaphorically the goose poked me in the back of the neck — more like attacked my neck. And it was from behind, so… yeah that must mean that it was trying to surprise me? … but why… ?

Does that mean that organizing my apartment will bring evil from behind? Wait, what? What the…? No.

But it was a goose feather, at least that’s what the package said, so it must mean something. Something with having to surprise attack myself from behind to get my shit together. Yeah, but…

And then the Law of Attraction kicks in.

But, why did I attract this to myself? I must not love myself enough. That’s it. I mean lets be honest, if I loved myself enough I would never wake myself up with a “Get your shit together” evil attack from behind.

But wait. Maybe it means I do love myself because the “evil” attack from behind came from a good-omen animal, and it came in the safety and security of my bed when I was all alone. See, yes, now I’m getting somewhere. If I didn’t love myself then I would have attracted a much more “evil”, “get your shit together”, “attack from behind”, say in a deserted alleyway somewhere in the city.

But I would never walk down a deserted alleyway in the city… because I love myself too much… and would never want to put myself in harms way.

So, wait… what?

I’m so confused. I miss the days where it was just a freaking feather and I would roll over and fall back asleep.

My Reiki teacher made a very distinct point at the end of my first class with her. She said, and I paraphrase, “Reiki will not make life easier for you, as now you will notice every pebble beneath your feet.”

There are a shit ton of pebbles down there.

But wait! Yes! If I’m smart, I’ll take that pebbly sensation and imagine that it’s a river rock covered shower floor, in my spacious spa-like bathroom, in the glorious and peaceful home that I’m Law of Attracting to myself.

I can almost feel the warm water trickling down from the shower head now…

No, nope. No, I really cant. Fuck.