Blue Moon

Actually Published on MARCH 1, 2012


Throughout ones study of Reiki, you receive attunements, known as Reiju, that re-align you with source energy. This alignment allows Reiki energy to flow freely through your body, thereby allowing the practitioner to channel that energy to either another person, a part of the world, or a different place in time, etc. Reiju can be an intensely spiritual experience, it can be simple and gentle, and it can feel like nothing at all. Each time one receives Reiju, it can be vastly different, and usually is. 


My first Reiju was beautiful. I felt peaceful, and my hands, which had been in prayer pose, began to spread apart, seemingly filling up with Reiki energy. I could not keep them together, as they seemed to lovingly repel one another, repeatedly filling up the space between them with the flowing energy. My finger tips remained in contact with their opposite counterpart, but my palms acted as if a slowly inflating balloon was lodged between them. I was overjoyed by the immediacy of the feeling, and couldn’t believe how easily it flowed. 


Another Reiju brought more attention to my hands, making them feel so unbelievably large, large enough in fact to cradle the whole world, steeping it in Reiki energy. My eyes were closed, as they always are during Reiju, though I was positive that if I had opened them, my hands would surely have looked as if they belonged to a giantess; a giantess with good intentions, but a giantess nonetheless less. 


Other times have brought intense colors swirling before my minds eye, and others, the presence of a lost loved one. I have never been on the receiving end of two Reijus that were even remotely alike. 


The final day of my Reiki II training included one last Reiju, which I was looking forward to. We had spent the weekend learning about the Reiki symbols, which among other things, represent the union of you and divine energy, and so the idea of God was on my mind. I have always believed in God, though not in the religious sense of the word. The bearded figure in the sky has come to mean a lot to me, and not once have I doubted my connection to the creator. I have questioned who created the creator, but never the existence of a universal life force energy that ties us all together. I have felt like we have a good, close relationship, and that I can always count on whom I’ve come to know as Father Sky. 


So I was surprised, and dismayed about the feelings I had during my final Reiju of the weekend. As it began, I was overcome by a deep sense of abandonment, and the abandoner was God. I became aware of sitting, crossed legged, across from God, asking “him” to hold my hands. Somehow, our hands would not hold one another. No matter how we tried to arrange our fingers and palms, the action of handholding was impossible. 


Next I became aware that we were walking, side-by-side, next to the ocean, the waves gently lapping at our feet. I could see our footprints in the wet sand. 


I asked God to carry me, and though I wanted to be carried with all my heart, it was impossible, just as the handholding had been. No matter how “he” tried to hold me, it would not work; I could not be carried by God. It just wouldn’t work. I cannot describe why, or how it would not work, it just wouldn’t. 


I felt abandoned, left behind, to find my way, though I was still keenly aware of God’s presence. I don’t know how I felt abandoned and yet still felt “his” presence at the same time. My rational mind could not, and still cannot, make sense of those two opposites inhabiting me at the same time. 


I finished Reiki II with a heavy cloud over me. Normally I’m the first to raise my hand in Reiki, always ready to share my experiences, but this time, I passed. I was sad, and wanted to feel it, rather than vocalize it. 


I road the subway home, and found solace in the song Cosmic Love, by Florence + The Machine. The lyrics, seemingly written for me, ignited a fire that all at once, begged to be extinguished and yet fought hard to flourish. It burned up the oxygen inside me, giving me no choice but to continuously feed the flames with the air that shallowly filled my lungs. 


I went home to be alone. To stew in my sadness and to feel abandoned. It was painful. The old me would have run away from those newly discovered feelings. I would have ignored them, pushing them down so deep that no one would have been able to recover them for decades. But the new me, the Reiki me, sat in it and acknowledged it, wanting to know what abandonment felt like.


Determined to work through the sadness, I unrolled my yoga mat, turned on some soothing music, and turned off all the lights. I lit one candle, and then laid down to do some self-healing with Reiki. I ran through the protocol that I knew at the time, and tried to accept my newfound feelings. 


Once I finished, I sat up, keeping my eyes closed. I started asking God, “Where are you?”, and kept getting the quiet answer, “i’m here”. My voice shouted in my head, while the answer came quietly from my soul. “i’m here. i have always been here.” 


I CAN’T SEE YOU! 


i’m here 


WHERE ARE YOU? 


i’m here 


I NEED IT BIG! 


i’m here 


I NEED IT BIGGER! 


I’m here, inside you. 


I NEED TO SEE YOU! 


just look. i’m here. i’ve always been here. 


I NEED TO SEE YOU BIG AND BOOMING ON THE WALL, RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME! 


i’m here 


Each time, God remained as quiet as before. The shouting was mine, and mine alone. But God’s answer never changed. It was my humanness that needed some big, booming voice to come over the loud speaker of my life, shouting, “HERE I AM KATE!”, all the while appearing on my living room wall for me to see, plain as day. 


I sat, eyes still closed, for another moment, allowing my mind to settle. 


As I opened my eyes, I turned and stood up, facing the wall in my living room. A giant smile erupted on my face, and I burst out laughing. 


On the wall was a large circle of blue light, a moon if you will. The shape of a head and shoulders casting its shadow on the moon, plain as day. There God was, big and booming on the wall. All the while, inside of me, my own body casting the shadow. 


Tears of immense joy mingled with laughter. I turned around to find the source of the light, and found the only thing I had left on before beginning my self-care. My iPod speakers, projecting their bright Indigo light onto the wall, were responsible for my blue moon. 


I turned back around, smiling. 


there i am, just where i said i was

Pebbles

The path to enlightenment is riddled with obstacles, which I guess makes sense — though it also hardly makes any sense at all. If the point of this grand experiment called life is to reach enlightenment, couldn’t it, or shouldn’t it, have been a bit easier to attain? Something like a quiet stroll along the beach, or a bird song-filled walk through the woods?

It’s thoroughly exhausting. This is no stroll, and it’s definitely not quiet. It’s noisy and messy, amusing and terrifying, and I constantly question why I bothered to turn down this path at all. I keep assuming that things will get better, that somehow things will begin to make sense. And therein lies my problem I guess. The truth is, that while one tiny “thing” might come into focus, that clarity causes 27 other “things” to shoot up and out of nowhere. It’s staggering to think about how crowded all those “things” must be, just hanging out in my psyche, waiting for their moment in the sun — their moment to shine so bright, that I’m blinded by their shear volume and unease.

Luckily my path has been beautifully littered with a wealth of information. Louise Hay gave me a gentle nudge a few years back — You Can Heal Your Life broke it all open for me. And since then I’ve had the pleasure to walk with Wayne, Deepak, Cheryl, Greg and dozens of others down this road. But I’m getting tired. I feel like I’ve been walking for years, and yet I’m still standing in the same place. And that same place is Me.

I’ve become more knowledgeable, no doubt, but, somehow, seemingly no smarter. And while the gradual increase of information has been amazing, it’s also been rather amusing. Allow me to explain.

No one religion works for me — or should I say, no one religion in its current widely accepted incarnation rings true for me. There are bits and pieces that seem to make sense, but as a whole, nothing feels right. So I’ve spent my time learning about all the different paths to spirit, some more direct than others. I’ve fully adopted the Law of Attraction into my life (though I’m not always aces at putting it to good use), and I do honestly believe that it holds to key to making this whole nutty thing come together. But the LoA lacks a sense of unity — it doesn’t give me that connection to the higher spirit that I crave. So I turn to nature, which definitely does.

An interest in nature as somewhat of a religion almost immediately leads you to the Native American spirit and way of life. Interestingly enough I’ve always been fascinated by their culture, and after much work, feel strongly that I was, quite recently, a Native American in a past life. My name was Puppy, which I guess I should take as a sign that, sigh, I have a lot to learn.

In my recent readings, I’m learning more about the good and bad power animals, and the signs they bring you if you’re willing to look, and listen. I’m fascinated by all this information, and while it feels true to my soul, I also have to question the “ bad” or “evil” side to their way of life. It doesn’t jive with my idea that all things are neither good or bad according to spirit, everything just is. Whatever the experience, it’s simply an experience. As humans, we put a negative or positive spin on it, but God (if you will), could care less. Spirit loves us no matter what, we are a part of God and God is a part of us. There is no separation, we are all one in the same — just energy vibrating at more dense levels in one area over another.

Sorry, I’ve strayed far away from what was supposed to be the amusing part. Let me make a quicker leap for you.

I’m currently reading Spirits of the Earth by Bobby Lake-Thom, which is a “guide to Native American nature, symbols, stories and ceremonies”. It’s where the evil and bad power animals info is coming from. So last night I’m reading through the chapter about different birds, and their good and bad meanings, and I come along to the goose. The goose is considered a good omen or sign. “They… serve as reminders that we need to get our life in order, become more organized, and be more cooperative.” Well that sounds exhausting, good yes, but exhausting. So much so, that I dog-eared that page and went to sleep.

And in the morning I awoke to the pain of a tiny needle sticking into the back of my neck. Okay, not a needle, a down feather from my pillow, but it might as well have been a needle for all the pain it was causing. So I yanked it out of my pillow and stared at it. “Ah, a goose feather” I thought, with a smile, as I was proud of myself for thinking in the Native American way about how this animal could be trying to send me a message. And then I remembered that the message was that I needed to get my shit together. Thanks Mr. Goose, I had no idea.

Then, of course, my human mind took off at the speed of light. And here’s where it gets funny.

At least to me.

So I need to get my shit together. Okay, yeah I know that already. I’m trying, trying really freaking hard. But I’m tired. But okay wait, just think a bit more on this. So metaphorically the goose poked me in the back of the neck — more like attacked my neck. And it was from behind, so… yeah that must mean that it was trying to surprise me? … but why… ?

Does that mean that organizing my apartment will bring evil from behind? Wait, what? What the…? No.

But it was a goose feather, at least that’s what the package said, so it must mean something. Something with having to surprise attack myself from behind to get my shit together. Yeah, but…

And then the Law of Attraction kicks in.

But, why did I attract this to myself? I must not love myself enough. That’s it. I mean lets be honest, if I loved myself enough I would never wake myself up with a “Get your shit together” evil attack from behind.

But wait. Maybe it means I do love myself because the “evil” attack from behind came from a good-omen animal, and it came in the safety and security of my bed when I was all alone. See, yes, now I’m getting somewhere. If I didn’t love myself then I would have attracted a much more “evil”, “get your shit together”, “attack from behind”, say in a deserted alleyway somewhere in the city.

But I would never walk down a deserted alleyway in the city… because I love myself too much… and would never want to put myself in harms way.

So, wait… what?

I’m so confused. I miss the days where it was just a freaking feather and I would roll over and fall back asleep.

My Reiki teacher made a very distinct point at the end of my first class with her. She said, and I paraphrase, “Reiki will not make life easier for you, as now you will notice every pebble beneath your feet.”

There are a shit ton of pebbles down there.

But wait! Yes! If I’m smart, I’ll take that pebbly sensation and imagine that it’s a river rock covered shower floor, in my spacious spa-like bathroom, in the glorious and peaceful home that I’m Law of Attracting to myself.

I can almost feel the warm water trickling down from the shower head now…

No, nope. No, I really cant. Fuck.